Feb 27, 2017. Repeat.

I am sitting in a bar. Alone. This bar is one of those places to fall in love in this city. Why though? I fret so many words about love if I do not believe there is any love worth for myself. I decided to hit the bar this time by myself. Monday night. Drinking alone. Drink wine alone and emphasise on the act as if as if the act is not allowed. 

Weird thing happened today. Irresistable text came asking like this, “are you stressed out lately? You looked kinda tired.” And then BOOM your whole guard came down. I was not ready to received that. In fact I was mad with myself when i received that. Nobody should know your shit in life. That’s my number 1 rule. 

Nope the answer is nope. Perhaps i am actually tired. One says ” life, you see just live it just let it lay.” Let it takes you to whatever end that you are seeking. On love? Love is complex. 

And then i as i walked crossing the street in the middle of the night, i started to form this theory. I thought why can’t you just love someone too much? I have always been blamed to love someone too much. Why do you always have to protect yourself? Come on, life is to short to play all the game of being alone or to reject something beautiful just for the sake of the risk that you would get. 

You see, i work a whole lot of time calculating risk, mitigating them and valuing something at risk. I calculate risk everytime. You say you’d go bullish. Bullshit! You are never bullish in love. You’re chicken. You stop valuing things at risk in love you take a step back and run over and over again. 

In finance, you diversify your risks into wide array of instrument. Thus being accumulated, your risk appetite is achieved and controlled. Now love is different. You cannot love everyone or many people. You are capable in loving only one person in your goddamn sad life. Hence there is no way to diversify. In love, you don’t diversify. You compromise, you settle down for one love. That is too high risk for someone to take. It is just risky. That’s why you have to guard yourself with protection with amo, bomb, and shield just to give yourself safety. There you either fall in love in safety mode or just take steps aback and runaway from it. 

My drink has not finished. I will depart tomorrow. God I hate this city when i am not in love. It’s just a sad sad place to live. 

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