The Audre Lodre Questionnaire to Oneself

I love being under the sun, i boasted around to people that sun will make you happy (biologically). It raises up your serotonin which will lower your cortisol. In sort, it will lower your stress hormones. So scientifically, sun will make you happy.

I guess being under the sun will only make you happy if you’re not under deadline, you’re in Bali, you passed college, you are just at peace with all your shit in life, or probably the sun is warm enough for you to bathe around. All in all, stress is stressful. You either get your things done or just chill and sunbathe. I did both, chill and sunbathe because life is far from done when you’re 20. It’s about to begin. At least you’re starting the rhythm with the best tune, mine has always been Walt Grace’s Submarine Tests, January 1967, with the best people, mine is myself cause i go solo and love myself too damn much to waste time to care about dinner invitation (no dinner is fine…..but always pick breakfast over dinner), and in a marvelous place, you see place for me is not “where your heart is” thing. A place matters. Each year I pick places i will go to that year with my own penny.

I was fishing yesterday night. It was a bad time to catch fish because the moon is so damn lit that the ocean gleamed in the dark. We could see each other’s faces so clearly even tho it’s almost midnight. We ran off to the sea at 3 pm at noon. It was my first time fishing. I went out with my mom and dad. Dad was dead bored with the idea of fishing cause he said he had done it long time ago. Otherwise boy mom was as thrilled as i was. She packed up cakes for the fishermen who brought us eventho i said don’t come, “mom, you see if the ship sinks tomorrow somehow if it catches storm, it’s just me who’s gonna die so it’s easier for me to think since i don’t have to save you when i swim”. You see, dead number in ship accident rises when people start to help other people. If only jack did not help rose at the time titanic happened, we would not have that great ending of such love story. Probably what happened was that Rose would leave Jack for her ex fiance after knowing that Jack was a selfish bastard. But yeah Jack was not a selfish bastard and in reality, love does exist.

What are the words you do not have yet?

It’s my last night living here. Three and a half years of living in a three by five room with a bathroom and no aircon. I am moving to an apartment room no. 17 that I found in a rainy day. With a window and my life is complete. I wonder why I am still keeping the dead bucket of white roses. The flowers are dead and there is no use to keep them but I keep the bucket with me anyway with other mementos that I have collected these past few years. I have this list of questions that I have to ask myself over and over again I remember one of the question goes like this: what word you do not have?

I think I do not have a word to describe the feeling when you are just too sad recognizing things are falling apart somewhere in your life. That you have this knowledge that something is collapsing and you have no idea how to fix it. Is there any word for that? Good God I wish I can only live with one suitcase. Really, although I am having four boxes to move tomorrow, I can live only with my laptop, and a suitcase of basic items and my wallet.

A word that i still do not have is for feeling of questioning your reality when the memories you have in your mind seem like blurry collection of old films you have seen somewhere in your life time. I do not have any word for that. Your mind keeps on having certain memories yet you suspect your memory has been lying to you all these time. Like that memory you had of one’s smiling to you or when one came with a big white white roses, or when one came to you with mix tape of sad songs. I feel like my brain tricks me. That probably somehow, these memories are not real. It’s a sad reality that I formed with my own mind and my own logic with own perception of reality. That it never happened.

I learned to accept that these never happened. So I threw away the dead bucket of white roses full of brain tricks a month later.

What do you need to say?

One day she knew that he was gone. She just knew it, this time there were no turning back. He decided to leave. Just about the right time when she was starting her life. He decided that she was not enough so he left. 

She was standing with one of her legs fell off somewhere and with no string to hold on to. She could see his back turned away and something invisible cracked broken into pieces faraway yet close enough to hear the sound. “Oh dear Lord not now,” she screamed, “don’t like…go now, you cannot go now I am too scared to face the world with only one leg and no one to hold on to.”

If she could, she would slap him in the face and scream, “stay, please. This time stay with me.” She could not. They were too similar, too fucked up, too strict, just you know..they didn’t fit. 

Knowing that he left, she ran. She ran and ran and ran till her feet went numb to feel the excruciating pain it caused from running too long, too far, too tired. She remembered when he turned away, he was not the person she used to know. All the mad dreams, with that mad eyes were no longer there.  Everything else evolved, yet she pictured him that way all the time. 

You see, she would always wish him well. On the nature of all daylight and night time, she would always wish him well. At night she would pray, ” as lonely as this road takes us, as faraway as it will lead us, and as hard as it will throw rocks to our tired and broken bodies, i wish i wish to God that it carries us like winners, marches us like true sons of All the Gods in the world. That all this hardship, hates, fear, and negation from people we know, people we love, people we don’t know make us wiser. That i wish if we ever meet again, you’re winning all your battles and that I am winning all mine.”

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