You know it’s always about a moment when it strikes you. Words flew out from your thoughts and you were like i need to write this right here, yes right here, right now. I am not a wordsmith, as much as i wish whatever came out from my mouth has the same weight and dignity as what came out out of my writing, i couldn’t force it. Just like when you cannot force a person to be able to sing when he has no natural talent in hitting the note right.
I am writing this in a dark corner of a bar in Bangsar. With my glass of merlot in one hand and my phone occupying the other. It stroke me just now all of the words i am writing.
Be careful of the life you wish you have or if you have yet wish any kind of life. Beware. To this point of life, i believe people get what they want. If you work hard enough to get there, trust me you’ll get there. I had always wanted to get out from Jakarta, i hate the city so much I just realized i always had massive headache whenever i came back. So i left, i didn’t leave, my job forced me to leave. So I left.
Two months later nothing in Jakarta matters. Not even a single bit and piece of memory left.
I get used to my solitude that i realized one bad thing, i don’t like meeting people. I don’t like doing the small talks the big talks, whatever kind of talks. I don’t like meeting my friends because the situation i’m in isn’t that understandable that i am at the point where i stopped trying to explain or tell story. I stopped telling stories to my mother because i have no time to pick up the phone and call her.
You know it’s bullshit, right?
Nobody is busy enough to text and say “hey mom, i’m doing fine.” It takes zero effort to do that. What I understand from the takeaways of life: you can’t do everything at once, what you can do is prioritize. Juggling between taking care of your own self, family, your work, dream, and so many other things in life.
Now, everything feels cheap. Trust me, it is. That fancy 5 stars hotel, that fancy car, that fancy shoes, that fancy restaurant, that super expensive flight, all of them fancy everything doesn’t feel fancy anymore. It’s just another day of waking up from a short sleep, taking a short shower, eating a short buffet breakfast that people longed to have it everyday, and then taking calls in that uber, and then another long hours at work, it is just another day. Sometimes when you think about it, everything in life diminishes. Just like now i had enough of wine each week. *wink
You know what’s expensive? Feeling. Having feeling in some sort. Name it, sadness, happy, angry, missing, upset, whatever feeling. It’s not there, nothing. I go on for months with such voidness. At this point, i would pay for having feelings. The other day i dreamt my dad passed away. I can’t remember why. What i recalled at that point was that i feel fine with it. Not sad, just fine because now i can afford life independently. I woke up and called my dad. It was 3 am, it was 2 am his time then, he picked up and sounded worry. “What happened?” I told him I was fine, i had a bad dream and wanted to check on him. He said he couldn’t sleep. First day at hotel, he said. I told him to go back to sleep. This is being in nothingness.
Now, I’m in love with this new city, this job, this ever-traveling life. The not so glamorous part of it was that it’s a lonely life. It’s lonely even with a family, it’s lonely even with a significant other. Why though? What’s make it so lonely? It’s not easy to tell what you do and why you do it, it’s not easy to tell them how we work, we just work. Deliver results, especially in this hard time for the company. Some may say i don’t really like my job. Maybe it’s true at first. Now, i love working here. The ruthless culture it has, the harsh attitude in delivering results, the beliefs that we bring invaluable products to human lives, i love it. I love every single day i interact with people across the continents. Fucking tiring, but it feels fucking awesome. That timely chance of talking to global CFOs, get spazzed out by global CFOs, or get praised by global CFOs. I love it to the point i don’t have to be paid to do it. Well…not really. I love it to the point where i dream about fucking up my work and lose 50M dollars.
Be careful of life you wish you have. Now I am working abroad, rarely come home, eating good food every single day, drinking good wine twice a week, rarely see people i know from life before, doing the work that inspires me with people who are more ruthless than i am, being in nothingness. I get what I want and will continue to get what I want.
At least for now. At least for now, i am the man.
But you know, the wheels are constantly rotating. Who knows what happens next…or where to go. Nobody, not even the man.